“I am worthless”

(One Strong Belief) 

What if your strongest belief is a lie?

A few weeks ago I read the book ‘Decisions, Decisions‘ by Randy W. Green. A key exercise in this book is to ask yourself “How do you know that you are you?”, and notice where your body goes with that.

I found myself calling aloud, over and over,

“I am worthless. I am worthless, I am worthless, I am worthless”.

I spoke with a strength of conviction I’ve not felt before. Even as I sank fully into experiencing the despair of this belief, another part of me thought, ahh, if this is it, if this my defining belief, then this explains everything. Why everything’s so hard.

This is where I’m blessed that no-one I’m close to shares this belief about me! Some wise part of me or outside of me has assembled enough faces and voices to reflect back the truth to shine on this baby wracked, possessed by falsehood.

What inspired this belief?

The priest I talked to said that true thoughts/spirits knock, but respect our freedom by waiting for us to actively invite them in, make room for them. Negative influences just barge on in and take up residence. Makes sense to me.

What did I do to actively live this belief?

Oh, a wearying tirade of self-abuse, mostly under cover of rational-seeming worries. The occasional relief of projection onto others, manic missions, various fundamentalisms.

The other night, the night I was panicking in realisation that no parent-figure or Saviour was going to tell me what I should do next or rescue me, I heard and felt the Legion cursing me, as they do, in a voice I had thought was my own. Inwardly I cried out as a small child Help, Christ please help me. The Legion, warmed by the Life I’d invited in, flew up from the heart they were no longer able to possess, and out through the top of my head. I felt the top of my head close over in protection.

I don’t know about ‘passionate people, powerful ideas, fearless action’. I do know I can breathe now, and walk, somehow sustained by the encouraging faces beside the cot.

One gentle belief:

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not comprehended it.”

———–

This piece is my response to the third prompt of the Trust30 Challenge:

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

(Author: Buster Benson)


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4 Comments to ““I am worthless””

  1. You are not worthless. You are made of star dust and where you go will be even greater than where you came.

  2. John, this is one of the most sincere posts I have read today. I think about myself, in my own darkness where I can’t understand and am confused about what should be the right thing to do, what to feel in order to be acceptable and all that. For most of my life I have felt like an Ugly Duckling and it wasn’t until recently I realized that I will not become a Swan as long as I am busy trying act like a duck! I was in a constant thought pattern of compare myself to others. That really didn’t equal worthlessness, but I am different somehow.

    Darkness can bring such richness to one personality, knowledge and perception if only one has the perseverance to endure it. Nelson Mandela is a hero of mine, I have a projection of him that provides fuel to my soul. He read a William Henley poem every day while imprisoned that he says got his through his dark night and built up his stamina, his desire to live and survive.
    I read this poem every day and I suspect it has impacted my courage to dive into this Ralph Waldo Emerson project. Anyway, I wanted to share it with you:

    INVICTUS
    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.
    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.
    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds and shall find me unafraid.
    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll,
    I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul.

    So my worthy friend, continue to write down your bones and let your musings flow.
    Bless, Michi

  3. Thanks Michi, that’s incredibly encouraging. I came across Invictus last year and memorised it at one point – you’ve spurred me to put it on my daily must-do list.

    Warmest regards,
    John

  4. Thank you for your comment on my blog. It meant a lot to me and I learned a huge lesson from it. I left a reply, so I hope you see it.
    After so many years of therapy, I have finally discovered that NONE OF US ARE WORTHLESS. We are all a gift from our Creator, God, Source (so many terms for the same ‘love’ and I do not want to offend anyone). That in an of itself keeps us special and unique. I have also discovered that life is like a roller coaster. We all have ups and downs, twists and turns, com upon walls and dead ends. Pain is a part of everyone’s life even if they do not admit it. I believe if we recognize and accept the pain, go into it and through it, then we emerge with a new strength. I would like to share this little poem with you. It helps me at times.

    WHAT GOD HAS PROMISED

    God has not promised skies always blue,
    Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through.
    God has not promised sun without rain,
    Joy without sorrow,
    Peace without pain.
    But God has promised strenght for the day,
    Rest for the laborer,
    Light on the way;
    Grace for the trial,
    Help from above,
    Unfailing sympathy,
    Undying love.~~~Unknown

    Take care.
    Peace, NICO

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